Mental Load

An illustration of a woman with head held in hands and million swirling household thoughts written in thought bubbles all around here. Photo: www.bellebear.com
Photo credit: http://www.bellebear.com

A Facebook friend shared this graphic recently and I can’t stop thinking about it.  I have to-do lists miles long on the computer, in notebooks, in my head, unspoken, carried around all the time.  I suspect many women, particularly mothers, relate.  She kindly posted an inclusion of dads, but I wasn’t so nice or feeling so accommodating about the mental load men carry, as in most circles, men can simply opt out with no repercussions to career, standing in society or family.  But it was stopping to articulate that thought in a comment to my friend that got me thinking, well, why couldn’t I opt out, too?  So I decided to explore a bit more.

As I’ve written about before, I’m trying to practice new ways of thinking about thinking.  The programs I’ve been a part of use what’s called the Model: We have Thoughts regarding Circumstances.  Our Thoughts create our Feelings which drive our Actions and create our Results.  Our Results always prove our Thoughts true.  We outline this in a graphic organizer labeled CTFAR.  Brooke Castillo, Corinne Crabtree, Kara Lowentheil, and many other coaches trained through The Life Coach School use the Model to teach and coach.

 

Here are some unintentional models I think I have working about mental load:

C – mental load

T – If I don’t think of all this crap, I can’t guarantee it will get done.

F – pressure

A – Constant tasks, constant making of lists, always “optimizing” time and doing errands, orders, thinking.

R – I think about all this crap, but can’t guarantee it will all get done.

Or:

C – mental load

T – Men don’t suffer any consequences if this crap doesn’t get done.

F – victimized

A – Spend inordinate amounts of time in thought about everything there is to do, OR NONE in rebellion – sticking my head in the figurative sand

R – Men DON’T suffer any consequences, but I do.

How about:

C – mental load

T – People will think I’m a terrible mother or an unfit employee or (insert any number of perceptions/opinions of others here) if I don’t stay on top of this crap.

F – anxiety

A – perpetual to-do lists, taking on more, proving myself, not fully relaxing/recharging at any moment

R – I’m not a great mother OR employee OR . . .

Here was a surprise one:

C – mental load

T – It’s time to pare down.

F – overwhelmed

A – spin in deciding what to get rid of (physical or mental/emotional)

R – It’s still time to pare down.

 

Here are some Models I’d rather have (Intentional Models):

But what if I tried on:

C – mental load

T – What gets done gets done.

F – Peace

A – prioritize, eliminate, allow unfinished tasks without worry

R – What gets done gets done.

Or:

C – mental load

T – I don’t have to think of everything right now.

F – Permission.

A – relax, or fully finish one thing before starting another.  Case in point: as I’m writing this, my husband popped his head in the door and reminded me I should wake the 3 year old up from a rare nap.  I sat back down and kept writing.

R – I don’t think of everything right now/all at once.

I could try:

C – mental load

T – Maybe I could pare down a little at a time.

F – Curious

A – Cull some low hanging fruit, think about systems to set up/change that would save time and mental energy

R – I pare down a little at a time.

(That one works 🙂 )

Regarding others’ thoughts:

C – mental load (and what I do/don’t get done as a result)

T – What other people think about me is their Model

F – free

A – go about my own life

R – What other people think about me is their Model

 

So what I’m trying to get at with all this gobbledygook, which is meaningful to me but maybe not so much to you, is that 1) I can control my Feelings about all the tasks to be undertaken in an adult life by my Thoughts, and 2) whatever anyone else feels about me as a result is from THEIR OWN Thoughts about the issue, and is not within my control to change.  So: do I need to let mental load be such a problem?  I think I can work on my thoughts to feel more positively about the many things I choose to do in my life.  And maybe part of that IS to pare down/streamline.  And maybe some of it is simply to shift my thoughts, without changing a thing.

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